Relationships (Religion is Stupid)

Guys, here’s the deal. Religions are stupid. Any idiot can come up with Religion. Case in point:

Behold! I, Ben Michaels, have been appointed as the Great Prophet for the Grand Poo-Bah, who farted the earth into existence before time began. This appointment occurred during my quest for a bathroom in the electronics section of Wal-Mart. The electronics section is in the back; however, I had been blinded to the fact that Wal-Mart’s bathrooms are located in the front of the building. Now it came to pass that, while I was searching in vain, I stumbled into the employee break room at Wal-Mart. Lo and behold, a Great Spirit emanating from the toaster oven spoke these words to me:
“It is I, the Grand Poo-Bah, who farted the earth into existence and who has been screwing over mankind since time began. Tremble in fear, mortal, and mess your hosiery, for I have chosen you to be my Prophet to peoples of this earth.”
And I looked, and there before me a vision of the afterlife appeared. I saw individuals of the past all living and working in a great Wal-Mart in the sky for eternity. I saw John D. Rockefeller as front line manager, while Mother Theresa stocked the frozen foods section. The toaster oven spoke again:
“This is what happens to all who die on this earth. I have too many employees stocking feminine articles and frozen foods. Clearly, these mortals on earth do not understand how to live their lives in order to improve their rank in the next life. That is why I have chosen you, Ben Michaels, as my Prophet. You are to give these 10 Precepts to the world and they are to obey, or risk stocking feminine articles for eternity. Thus speaketh I, and thus I have spoken.”
The 10 Precepts were as follows:
1. Dishonest gain is the only gain. Swindle everyone. Fraud will get you management in the Great Wal-Mart in the Sky.
2. Speed up for creatures. Cats are worth 10 points. Little old ladies are worth 50 points. Hitting your mom guarantees salvation.
3. Never, under any circumstances, use the toaster oven in the Wal-Mart break room. Doing so will result in instant condemnation to the feminine articles section in the Great Wal-Mart in the Sky.
4. Your rank in the Great Wal-Mart in the Sky is determined by your obedience to the Precepts, your ponderings of the Naoks, and how much your hair resembles Donald Trump’s.
5. Bald males are condemned to stocking the feminine articles in the Great Wal-Mart in the Sky. If they are good, they can stock frozen food. This can all be avoided if they wear a toupee in this life.
6. You must be slightly more fanatical then Mormans. Crusades, going door-to-door, and pondering the Naoks are strongly encouraged.
7. Deodorant is the spawn of evil. Shun it. Avoid silverware, as well.
8. Screw over as many people in this life. The more people you screw over, the more people you’ll rule over in the next life.
9. Homeschoolers are the metaphorical Jedi of this life. In the next life, they’ll be actual Jedi.
10. If you seek guidance from the Grand Poo-Bah, he will give you revelations if you stare at the milk left over from Cinnamon Toast Crunch long enough.
In order to open our conciseness to an awareness of the Grand Poo-Bah, I have been given the following 11 Naoks, which are simple questions and concepts. Pondering these will open your mind to an awareness of the Grand Poo-Bah. This will aid your rank in the Great Wal-Mart in the Sky.

The 11 Naoks are as follows:
1. When does the armadillo excrement become The Fragrance?
2. Can your ride the donkey before you quash the volcano?
3. How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
4. How many college students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
5. Your mom.
6. If the water is cold, can you clean the white board?
7. How are English muffins, muffins?
8. Chuck Norris.
9. How many boards could the Mongols hoard if the Mongol Hordes got bored?
10. What would you do if you were locked in a room with a Buddhist monk and a meat tenderizer?
11. The word, “cereal,” when repeated over and over again.

By following the Precepts and developing an awareness of the Grand Poo-Bah by pondering the Naoks, you will attain a job paying higher than minimum wage in the Great Wal-Mart in the Sky. All this has been revealed to me, Ben Michaels, the Great Prophet, appointed by the Grand Poo-Bah who farted the world into existence. Thus speaketh I, and thus I have spoken.

There. I’m done. I guess that’s why I’m glad I don’t follow a religion. Christianity isn’t about rules, rituals, or steps to get your free ticket into heaven. It’s about a relationship with Jesus. Getting to know him any way we can in this life. And that beats any religion.

Study Hard (Becoming a Nerd)

“This college will turn you into such a nerd.” Jon chuckled, while nodding sagely. Everyone in my life group chuckled nervously in response and looked at him with questioning looks.
“Like, when I got my text books I was like, “Yes! New text books!” He told us, trying to explain life at Christian college to a bunch of freshmen, who are really just high schoolers in disguise. We clearly just didn’t understand because he just threw his hands up, smiled, and said, “You’ll find out.”

Today was the first day of classes here at Ozark Christian College. Up til now it’s felt like 4th grade camp. Teary-eyed parents wondering if I’ll be ok. Crazy friends made and bonded with in 24 hours. Spiritual counselors (life group leaders). Cabin counselors (RAs). Running around playing crazy games, learning rules, and listening to bible lessons.

But today, on the first day of class, I’ve learned why it’s not camp. You have to work. Hard. Papers are long and frequent. Memorizing large sections of scripture is required. Reading is long and, sometimes, pretty dry.

But I love it. Even after the first day, I love it all. Everyone does. Not just nerds, or kids on fire for God, or wiz kids. Everyone is immersed in their homework. We can’t wait to study. We love our school. We’ve become nerds.

Probably because all of realize something. We’re all studying the Bible. So if there’s one thing in which to immerse yourself, one thing worth being nerdy about, one thing to study until it comes out your ears, it’s this. The Bible is beautiful. It’s true. It never changes. It’s meaningful. It’s the only text book on the planet with any meaning and truth to it. More so than science, music, or math.

So yeah. We’re nerds. We’re studying hard. We’re getting nothing short of A’s. We’re not going to procrastinate. We’re gonna study from noon to 9 most days. We’re gonna work ahead. We’re gonna over-achieve. It’s worth it.

This is school.

This is the Bible.

This is Christian College.

Christmas Vs. Easter (A Match Made in Heaven)

It's THAT year. I don't know how this idea of THAT year started, but it's THAT year. It's a bittersweet concept. See, THAT year is when we have our huge family reunion at Christmas time. I don't know about your family, but when my extended family gets together it's the most awesome, stressful, fun, crazy, disappointing time that can be crammed into a week and a half. Obviously, not every year is THAT year. Our family is pretty spread out around the country so THAT year only happens every two or three years or so. On off years, it's really just me, my mom and dad, and my siblings and maybe that awesome aunt and uncle that come in from California just to see us. On off years, we have our own little traditions. We read the same book during December, we have our own little Christmas eve celebration, our own decorations, our own tree, and our own order to how Christmas day goes. It's great.

But it's THAT year. All our traditions and things we love about Christmas are thrown out the window in a whirlwind of aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, bickering, laughter, game nights, home cooked meals, and grandma's pie.

So which one do I prefer? I don't know. I know what's gonna happen on the off years. I like it. But anything goes on THAT year. That's what makes THAT year so bittersweet.

I guess everyone has their own image of Christmas. How it should be. Snow. Mistletoe. Carols. Family. Food. Presents. Lights. Everyone loves Christmas. It, literally, is the highlight of the year. The best movies come out at that time. Stores around the country that have been in the red all year suddenly see their sales spike. The whole country is just a happier, merrier place. Everyone knows what happens on December 25th and gets excited about it. Even the grinches.

This is where you punch your computer screen in because now I've gotten you in the Christmas spirit in mid-August. Sorry about that. Christmas is the highlight of the year.

But what about Easter?

See. Easter is nothing compared to Christmas. It's kinda of a letdown, actually. On Christmas, you get presents and everyone's warm and fuzzy and cozy. Easter, however, is really the only day you HAVE to go to Church without risking losing all your Christian points (You get a "get out of church free" card at Christmas, though). Maybe you get a couple chocolates in a basket (that is, if you follow that demonic cult called the Easter Bunny). Whoop-dee-doo.


You get the same amount of chocolates in your Christmas stocking and that doesn't even include the presents. And that's holy chocolate. Jesus gives you chocolate at Christmas. If you get an egg or chocolate at Easter, though, that's Demon-spawn.

Now, we're all Christians here. We know the true meaning of Christmas and Easter (HINT: Santa and the Easter Bunny are NOT involved). So isn't Easter just as, if not more, significant as Christmas?

So what gives? Why is Christmas so much more fun than Easter?

I don't know for sure, but I can't help but think that we enjoy Christmas more because of the presents and "spirit" and commercialization. But that's just me.

I guess the key is that Christmas and Easter are equally significant. Ultimately, they don't mean squat without the other. They're inextricably linked. It's like they're married. They're both are the happiest times of the year. We should remember that.

So enjoy your Christmas. I'm going to. It is, after all, THAT year. Unto us a Savior is born.

And enjoy your Easter, too. He is Risen. It's party time.

So Merry Christmas! And Happy Easter!